When you become a parent your capacity to love explodes beyond the boundaries of what the human body is capable of. Suddenly there is this loud, stinky, tiny little person that thinks you were put on this earth to serve their every need. And you agree. Who would have thought, back in the good old teen years, that someone elses needs would suddenly become more important than your own. All of the sudden you have this innate need to do whatever is best for your child. You would throw yourself in front of a semi to save that childs life. You would give them the remaining 7/8 of your sandwhich when they have cleaned their own plate and are still hungry. You would wipe their snotty nose with your bare fingers because you don't have a tissue handy and the poor thing is miserable. There is nothing you wouldn't do for your children, no matter what it costs you.But Do you ever have those selfish moments when you wish you could have something that wouldn't be in their best interest, but would suit you pretty well? I want my children to grow up and have happy lives. I've had happy times in my life, but nothing compares to the overwhelming joy my own husband and family give me. I want my kids to experience that too. But sometimes I have a selfish mommy moment.
Do they have to grow up?
Do I really have to let my son go to kindergarted? Alone? Without his mommy? Even worse, do I really have to let him leave the country for 2 years to serve a mission in a place where people will be mean to him and he could be hurt? and where I can't give him loves every night?!
Do I seriously have to let my little girl get married someday? Is it unavoidable that someday I "give" her over to some guy to take care of? some guy that is probably 4 or 5 years old right now?! THAT guy I am going to have to trust with one of my most precious blessings?!
Did my little angel REALLY have to go back to heaven? I know that where she is right now is a much better place than this imperfect world we live in... but couldn't she just come stay with me if I promise to lock her up in the house and never let her go out where anyone could ever hurt her? I would be perfectly content to sit and snuggle her all day long.
Yes. I guess the answer to those questions is a resounding yes. But even as my 3 year old was yelling to me this afternoon that I was "stupid" for making him take a nap. Even as I am picking up my bomb of a house. Even as I was lugging two cranky toddlers around the store this morning only halfway through my errands only to realize that Little Missy had gone "you know what" in her pants.... I couldn't help but think... can we just freeze time for a bit?I get caught up much too often in just trying to get through a day or a moment. I think, "Ugh... is it naptime yet?!" Life does get overwhelming at times. But then I stop for a moment and realize how fast time is flying and I panic. Am I wishing to fly through the chaotic moments so much that I am missing the precious one? How many times do we scream at our kids all day and then go in to check on them at night and just stare at their perfect little dreaming faces and think, "What have I done? I've wasted one more day with these perfect little angels that I am blessed to have" Of course it is easier to have these moments of appreciation staring at the peaceful face of a sleeping child than it is when you are gazing lovingly at the furious purple face of your little cherub as he/she is floundering on the floor in a temper tantrum of epic proportions.
I guess I just need to remind myself how fragile and how sacred life really is. How every day really is a gift from our Heavenly Father. I've learned this first hand. It was easy right after my sweet little daughter went back to heaven to enjoy the tender mercies of each day with my children. To remain thankful for my children even when they were about to bring down the house. But as I have healed and have gotten back to "every day life" I find myself not appreciating the little things as much as I should.
That said, please humor me as I share something about each child that I love, to remind myself of how precious they are and how overwhelmingly the scale tips down to the floor in favor of the good times outweighing the naughty/hectic/tired/cranky/aaaaahhhh moments.
Mister Mischief is my best buddy. He knows how to push buttons, but he also knows just the right moment to flash me one of his turn me to mush grins or give me a "giant dinosaur hug." He is the most loving little boy I have ever met.
Miss Thang is my little clown and my snuggle bunny. Her diva attitude definitely lives up to her nickname, but she also knows when to turn on the charm. She has her own little "jokes" and funny faces and can make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in.
My little Angel I never got to "know" her outside of my tummy but I love her just the same. She was a very mellow baby, she never bruised my ribs doing summersalts like the other two did, but she had some spunk. She would cover her face when we were trying to get a good look at her during my monthly ultrasounds and she even gave us the old one finger salute one time. She has taught me what an amazing gift the love of a mother is. It is one that is sent from God and has no conditions or limitations. I don't get to hold her now, but she gives me something to look forward to on the day that I have to leave the rest of my family here on earth for a time.
What do you love most about your kids/family?
3 comments:
I so know what you mean. After Scott was born Hayden had a hard time sleeping through the night. I think he was unsettled that Mommy had been gone for a few days. When he would wake up crying I would hold him and snuggle him. I was so grateful that he was awake and wanted extra loves because I needed them too.
It is so easy to get frustrated with temper tantrums and children not eating what is fixed or not wanting to do what you want. I feel bad on days like that because I haven't enjoyed what I have.
I try really hard not to complain about pregnancy discomforts because I am just so grateful to be pregnant. But honestly, somedays it just stinks to be pregnant. I have to remind myself that it may be the only time to have this precious one with me.
With Tim, I love that he encourages me to be the best version of myself. He supports me with my string quartet, my tutoring, and my running, even when I don't want to put in the effort. I also really love it when we are both in the mood to be goofy together. He knows how to make me laugh until I cry.
And the thing I love most about Baby Bell is that when I finally sit down to relax in the evening, that's when he starts movin'. There have been a few times when he kicks so hard that I actually exclaim, "ooh!" out loud. And it's amusing to see the kicks on the outside now.
Thank God I got to read your post, I want ababy so bad, but was affraid it won't be that good!!! Did you feel a bit afraid or concerned before you saying let's go for it?
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