Monday, July 28, 2008

Thursday, July 24, 2008

God Blessed the Broken Road

How strange it is to see in hindsight how different lifes path turns out than you ever imagined it would.

Exactly a year ago today we found out that we were pregnant with our little angel baby, Savannah . Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions I felt that day. Ecstatic to have another little one join or family. Terrified at how I was going to juggle three children under 3. Extremely fertile.

Savannah's story is really long so I won't share it in it's entirety. But I would like to share the background to her joining our family so that those of you that don't know us can understand a little more about why she means so much to our family and why we know that she's not just an "accident of nature" or the "miscarriage mom had years ago", but an actual member of our eternal family.

Last June my husband came to me and said, "I feel really strongly that we need to have another baby now." I laughed. Not just a little giggle, but a rip roarin' belly laugh. What's so funny you ask? Ummm... my baby was only 5 months old. My oldest was barely two. I am not wonder woman. Catch my drift?

He said, "No, I know I've teased you about it before, but I'm serious this time. I feel really strongly about it. Will you at least pray about it?"


I didnt' want to pray about it because I could already feel in my heart what the answer was going to be. But, of course, I've learned the hard way in the past what happens when you say no to the Lord so we decided to just "see what happens" thinking that it would take at least a couple of months.

On July 25 of last year we had a family reunion at Lagoon (a local theme park). I wasn't late yet, but I decided to take a test "just in case" so that I could ride all the crazy make you vomit roller coaster rides without feeling guilty. Much to our suprise it came back positive. So what would anyone do in that situation...? We took another test. It couldn't possibly be right. You see I still had not had a full on period (sorry for being so graphic!) since Sami because I had just barely stopped nursing her. But sure enough, we got the same results. This baby was obviously meant to come when she did.

I didn't ride any rides that day.

We had lot of people remind us of how crazy we were and how hard it was going to be. TRUST ME, I knew how much I DIDN'T know what I was getting myself into. There were many sleepless night worrying and wondering how I was possibly going to handle three little babies. Wondering why the Lord would ask this of ME of all people. But I knew that he HAD asked this of us and that he would provide a way for things to work out. And He did.

Savannah was born still at 35 weeks on February 9, 2008. She was perfect, except for the fact that her heart was not beating. They have never been able to determine a reason for her death. Until the moment I held that little girl in my arms I never realized how deep and amazing the gift of motherhood is. You are not just given a cute little body. Each child that is given to us comes with the added gift of pure, Christ-like LOVE. You don't have to spend time with them, or get to know them to love them beyond comprehension. That's why we love them so much. It's a love beyond what the mortal body is capable of. It is immortal. It is a gift from Him. And we feel it for every child whether they grasp our finger or not.

Have I ever worried that she went straight back to Heaven because the Lord doubted my ability to handle raising three very young children at the same time? You bet. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying to the Lord to forgive me for complaining to Him, or doubting His ability to provide a way to make all things possible.

HOWEVER, this experience has revealed to me a tiny glimpse of the true nature of our Savior. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are capable of and what we will be capable of. He knows what we need in order to progress to in the end become more like him. He can also see what the end results of any situation is going to be before we do.

My daughter was never meant to stay. None of these little ones that get to go straight back to the loving arms of our Savior are. They aren't taken away to punish us. The Lord has a plan. If His plan was for my baby to stay with me she would have and He would have provided a way for us to juggle the chaos of the next few years because we were willing to do what He asked... even if we didn't immediately understand how it would work.

No, He had an even better plan in mind for our little family. For some unknown reason, we found favor enough with Him to blessed to add to our eternal family a soul so valiant that she didn't need to prove herself. She just needed to come receive a body that she will use in that great day that we are all reunited with our larger scope eternal family- that of our our Heavenly Father.

Sometimes the mortal side of me wins out and I do feel picked on, I won't lie. Why do other babies gaze into their mothers eyes when they are born and mine lay limply in my arms with her face covered up? I don't cry anymore, because of the healing hands of our Savior. But I would be lying if I said those thoughts don't creep into my head every once in a while, and who is going to benefit if I lie?

But, this much I can say. That our lives have so much more meaning than just the happy and sad experiences that we have on this earth. We are working toward something so much bigger. We are working toward perfecting ourselves, thanks to the miricle of the Saviors atonement for us, so that we can one day have all that He has. Isn't that an amazing thought? Things that seem so sad to us now are so trivial when compared to all that we have been promised. Lose a loved one? You'll be together someday. Lose a job? Once you pass through this life, you'll be given so much more than any paycheck could give you. Thunder thighs? Our bodies will be perfected one day.

So in the long run, no, I don't feel picked on that my daughter didn't get to stay.

I feel honored to be part of her journey.

p.s...Please pray for this family: they are just beginning their journey and can use all the prayers they can get.

My Top 10 Most Embarassing Confessions...

Okay, lets put it all out on the table... that way you can start with lowered expectations of me and then it's all up from there right?

10. I check my blogs about a hundred times a day to see what my "stats"are and if anyone has left me a comment.

9. I had a crush on Dan Akroyd on Ghost Busters when I was little.

8. I can/have eaten an entire carton of icecream by myself in one sitting... doesn't matter what kind, I doubt I tasted much.

7. I love chemistry... the real text book kind. Although I also love the real at home with my hubby kind too!

6. I can still sing then entire theme song from The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire verbatim.

5. I watch re-runs of The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire on Nick at Night.

4. A show I watched as kid now airs on Nick at Night.

3. When I was younger I looked like this:

2. In 6th grade my friends told me that I had a jello butt that jiggled when I ran, so I tried to tighten my butt muscles when I ran and ended up being called an ostrich in stead.

1. I am originally from Arkansas and my parents may/may not be my cousins/siblings... it's yet to be determined.... but I still have all my teeth thank you!
I wrote this list in the hopes that others would respond with confessions of their own and make me feel better about myself...
feel free

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

So Good News....

I lived.
It's good news for me anyway.

AAAAAHHHHH (scream of terror, not sigh of relief)

My hands are shaking. My palms are moist. I'm seriously supressing the urge to shriek out in terror. I'm soooo nervous. I'm about to embark on a journey I've been avoiding since before I got married....
AAAAAAHHHHHH (imagine a blood curdling Hitchcock scream)
Yes... it's true... I haven't worked out since before I was married. I guess I'm one of those stereotypical gals that quit trying once she got her man and decides to start trying again a couple weeks before her 10 year reunion as if 1 or 2 visits (lets be honest I probably won't make it more than that!) will erase 10 years of neglect...
(let me breathe for a minute that was a long sentence).
Okay, that was an overstatement. I do try to look good for my man. I've just let lugging around my sumo babies and walking out to the mailbox constitute working out for me for a while. I've been basically barefoot and pregnant or nursing since 3 months after I got married (wow, now I'm really stereotypical). Now I'm out of excuses.
I don't know what to expect. I can't walk up the stairs from my basement without taking a rest break. What happens if I go too slow on the treadmill and it eats me? You have to sign a waiver when you join the gym they they can't be held responsible in the event of injury and/or death. WHAT THE...?! Seriously, is that a possibility? DEATH?! They need to be more specific and let me know what I'm facing. Death by treadmill consumption. Death by 500 lb weight being hurled at my head by Goliath? What are we facing here?
Exactly why I've been avoiding the gym..
Erin... how did I let you talk me into this...?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Time Out

Okay, the time has come... I'm coming out of the closet...
Here goes...
Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest we can proceed? Are we still friends? Actually, come to think of it, if you don't also looove SBTB we probably weren't friends in the first place so I won't worry about it.
What isn't there to love about Saved by the Bell? They were way cool kids that got to be in music videos, hob nob with celebrities that just HAPPENED to visit their high school, and have parties in the principals office-sans prinicipal. More importantly... they could freeze time. HELLO wouldn't THAT come in handy? No more "working out our problems". No more "compromising with other people". No more "listening to our kids wining for the billionth time that they are hungry"- geez get off my back...
No, all you would have to do when a situation came up that you didn't feel like dealing with is put your hands in a T and say, "Time Out" (or times for short) and the world around you would freeze right where they were and you'd be free to think about a solution, run away, or shut someone in a locker. You may even have an invisible audience to converse with about the undetermined solution to said predicament. When you were done you simply say, "Time in" and the world would continue on as if nothing ever happened.
This would come in hand in all kinds of situations. Someone says something funny or sarcastic to you and you're not as quick on your feet as you'd like... just freeze time...boom... all the time you want to look up a witty comment (or ask your invisible audience for one). Get in an argument with your amazing husband that never forgets ANYTHING and you're scrambling for a good comment... yell TIMEOUT... and boom! extra time to come up with a comeback (the ability to go back in time to check out and verify past events that HE can remember, but you can't would come in handy for this one too). Sitting in traffic for an infinity hours because UDOT can't finish a project and no one else in the free world knows how to drive? Freeze the rest of the world and drive right around them.
Seriously, why can't life be more like Bayside High?!
(and while we're at it, why can't I have Kelly Kapowski's killer abs?!)
Tell me you don't love Saved by the Bell NOW!

Monday, July 21, 2008

mmmmm bacon...

Is there anything in the world cuter than a running baby?

I submit that there is not!
Look at those cute little thighs... I just want to eat them up! No seriously... who doesn't love baby chubb? The chubbier the baby the better if you ask me, and neither of my babies have had any problems with that. Which is why they are both lucky that they've made it this far without their mommy gobbling them up!
Doesn't have the same effect for grownups though does it?!

Who the H decided to make skin and bones the beauty "norm"? Am I just lazy or does anyone else think that it would be soooo much easier to convince the rest of the world that obese is the new anorexic and go back to eating our cookie dough and NON diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast? Seriously. We did it in high school. In fact in high school a typical day consisted of a candy bar out of the vending machine for breakfast as I barreled into 1st period 10 minutes late. A bag of chips and a Mtn. Dew for lunch and a jumbo sized curley fry from Arbys at the food court on my way to work at the mall. Did I think twice about how I was clogging up my arteries and "stretching the capacity of my fat cells" (as a gym teacher once told me)? Um... no. I didn't need to. But there's this little thing called GRADUATION that does a real number on your body. Who invented the freshman 15 anyway? I propose that that person be dragged out in the street and stoned to death with ding dongs. How can one little milestone completely alter the chemistry of a girls body (although it sure doesn't do much to a mans body...) Back in the day the more lbs you owned the more beautiful you were considered. If it were up to me we'd eat bacon with every meal and wash it down with a little burnt almond fudge icecream.. speaking of bacon... here's my tribute to my favorite greasy indulgence of the gods...

...I guess I'll just go back to my triscuits and string cheese now...