To the average eye this woman is smiling and enjoying a fun play date with her little girl. To the other people enjoying this day at the trampoline park she is giggling going down the slide with her little girl. She looks put together. Every hair in place (albeit football helmet-esque in size and um... durability.) Her makeup is done. She's overdressed for the trampoline park high heeled boots, jewelry and all. She looks happy to the untrained eye. I know this women well, however, and I can see the forced nature of this smile. I can feel the crushing pain she is hiding behind the mask.
She is there with her two beautiful little crazies. And minus a little residual fullness in her cheeks, she bears no sign that just a few days ago she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. And that is killing her.
Oh how I want to scoop this baby version of myself up in my arms and tell her it's going to be ok. She will be happy again. The light will return and when it does she will emerge from her little survival cocoon transformed into a stronger, more resilient version of her former self. A version that has come to know and love and trust her Savior a bazillion times more from having to clench onto His cloak for dear life.
I want to tell her she is not alone. He has been right there beside her all along. He knew this was coming and prepared her for it. He has felt the exact pain she is feeling, He understands. He will never leave her alone. He will send comfort when she needs it and lead her, in ways she'd never imagine, to others that will lift her up. All those things will not always be obvious to her at the moment, but in retrospect will be glaringly obvious and beautiful.
I want to tell her she's doing an amazing job. It's okay that she gets up and takes care of her babies on autopilot. At least she got up! It doesn't matter if anyone thinks she should mourn a daughter she didn't know. They don't understand. They aren't meant to, it's not their trial to endure. And wishing her angel baby was here with her doesn't lessen her love for the sweet babies that she does have here with her. She needs to give herself some time and grace. She'll find the new normal. And it will be happy. So happy.
Life will be so so good. It will also be so so hard at times. She will face even harder challenges. But the spiritual muscles she is building during this emotional weight lifting "class" will make those new challenges seem less.... challenging. And her new perspective of eternity will make said challenges feel more worth conquering.
Most of all, I want her to know: someday, in the not so far off future, your smile will be real again. You will feel peace. You will feel joy. And it will be so much richer having known the crushing pain. And it will happen here, in this lifetime. You won't have to wait until you have "gotten through" life.
Hang in there, masked woman. It will all be worth it. You are stronger than you realize.
