Sunday with the Garners

Oh joy, I've been Bag Tagged. You've heard of this right? Take all the contents out of your bag or purse and take a picture of it all as it is RIGHT NOW.

Of all days to be bag tagged, I get the opportunity on a Monday. Of course I haven't cleaned it out from church yesterday. What do you think I am... clean?!

Well, I thought this provided the perfect opportunity to provide all you lucky people a sneak peak into a Sunday with the Garners. Lets take a little walk through the contents of my diaper bag. Keep your arms and legs inside at all times and enjoy the ride. Also, if you need to puke, please refrain until after the ride is over and we provide you with a convenient, ridiculously small barf bag. Thank you.

First of all diapers. Notice there are two of them. Lets see if any of you mommy's out there can relate. You are sitting in Sacrament meeting. Your baby is uncharacteristically still and quiet. If only he/she wasn't facing away from you so you could see her perfect cherubic little face has changed from a creamy ivory color to tomatoe red. Then it hits you... a stench that smacks you in the face like a neuclear shock wave. People around you are dropping like flies in the wake of this green mushroom cloud. Then your beautiful, petite little child looks up at you and grins the most angellic little grin. But you won't be fooled. You know what "unangelic" fate awates you.

You think you'd better wait until the little "stinker" is done but people are throwing eye daggers at you and you are pretty sure the real daggers aren't far behind. The "you can't wait a second longer" deal is sealed when your 3 year old starts announcing to the entire congregation, "EEEEEWWWWWEEEEEE mommy, [insert name] POOPED his/her pants! That's sick huh mommy! We don't dooky in our pants we go in the potty!" Good thing you packed the diapers on the bottom of the bag with the hopes that maybe if they aren't conveniently located you won't need them. You fumble your way through unpacking your bag flinging the contents thereof all over the floor and bench as said 3 year old is calling out that he must have every item he sees.

Finally you reach the diapers and fly out the door that the ushers have been holding open for you for 10 minutes in hopes that you would eventually use them. As you "unpackage" your child you are cooing such phrases to him/her such as, "How does such a big stink come out of such a cute little body?" "what do you have for mommy in there bubba/sissy?" and "PUsa!" You know it's true mommy love when you brave those toxic fumes to give your little one a rasberry on their cute little tummy before digging into the contents inside that diaper. Come on, it's just cute to resist, it's just begging for you to blow some spit on it. You've put it off long enough.

Now comes the moment of truth. What IS in there anyway?! You open it up, and there is nothing but a little yellow mark.

It was JUST GAS How can a bunch of air particles make you gag like that?!

Well you're already here. Might as well get him/her into a clean diaper so they can be extra comfy and happy through the rest of the 3 hour block. You change the baby, give him/her another raspberry just for good measure and off you go back into the waiting arms of your hubby in sacrament meeting.

You've finally relaxed when all of the sudden little mis/mister starts grunting... here we go again.

Good thing we packed 2 diapers. Good thing I already re-packed the diaper bag.

Jivin'. (our family's expletive of choice)

I told you mommys talk about poop alot.

p.s.

I tend to ramble so explanation of the other contents will have to come at another time, or this diaper bag is NEVER going to get cleaned out. STAY TUNED.