God Blessed the Broken Road

How strange it is to see in hindsight how different lifes path turns out than you ever imagined it would.

Exactly a year ago today we found out that we were pregnant with our little angel baby, Savannah . Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions I felt that day. Ecstatic to have another little one join or family. Terrified at how I was going to juggle three children under 3. Extremely fertile.



Savannah's story is really long so I won't share it in it's entirety. But I would like to share the background to her joining our family so that those of you that don't know us can understand a little more about why she means so much to our family and why we know that she's not just an "accident of nature" or the "miscarriage mom had years ago", but an actual member of our eternal family.



Last June my husband came to me and said, "I feel really strongly that we need to have another baby now." I laughed. Not just a little giggle, but a rip roarin' belly laugh. What's so funny you ask? Ummm... my baby was only 5 months old. My oldest was barely two. I am not wonder woman. Catch my drift?



He said, "No, I know I've teased you about it before, but I'm serious this time. I feel really strongly about it. Will you at least pray about it?"



"No."

I didnt' want to pray about it because I could already feel in my heart what the answer was going to be. But, of course, I've learned the hard way in the past what happens when you say no to the Lord so we decided to just "see what happens" thinking that it would take at least a couple of months.

On July 25 of last year we had a family reunion at Lagoon (a local theme park). I wasn't late yet, but I decided to take a test "just in case" so that I could ride all the crazy make you vomit roller coaster rides without feeling guilty. Much to our suprise it came back positive. So what would anyone do in that situation...? We took another test. It couldn't possibly be right. You see I still had not had a full on period (sorry for being so graphic!) since Sami because I had just barely stopped nursing her. But sure enough, we got the same results. This baby was obviously meant to come when she did.



I didn't ride any rides that day.



We had lot of people remind us of how crazy we were and how hard it was going to be. TRUST ME, I knew how much I DIDN'T know what I was getting myself into. There were many sleepless night worrying and wondering how I was possibly going to handle three little babies. Wondering why the Lord would ask this of ME of all people. But I knew that he HAD asked this of us and that he would provide a way for things to work out. And He did.



Savannah was born still at 35 weeks on February 9, 2008. She was perfect, except for the fact that her heart was not beating. They have never been able to determine a reason for her death. Until the moment I held that little girl in my arms I never realized how deep and amazing the gift of motherhood is. You are not just given a cute little body. Each child that is given to us comes with the added gift of pure, Christ-like LOVE. You don't have to spend time with them, or get to know them to love them beyond comprehension. That's why we love them so much. It's a love beyond what the mortal body is capable of. It is immortal. It is a gift from Him. And we feel it for every child whether they grasp our finger or not.



Have I ever worried that she went straight back to Heaven because the Lord doubted my ability to handle raising three very young children at the same time? You bet. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying to the Lord to forgive me for complaining to Him, or doubting His ability to provide a way to make all things possible.



HOWEVER, this experience has revealed to me a tiny glimpse of the true nature of our Savior. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are capable of and what we will be capable of. He knows what we need in order to progress to in the end become more like him. He can also see what the end results of any situation is going to be before we do.



My daughter was never meant to stay. None of these little ones that get to go straight back to the loving arms of our Savior are. They aren't taken away to punish us. The Lord has a plan. If His plan was for my baby to stay with me she would have and He would have provided a way for us to juggle the chaos of the next few years because we were willing to do what He asked... even if we didn't immediately understand how it would work.



No, He had an even better plan in mind for our little family. For some unknown reason, we found favor enough with Him to blessed to add to our eternal family a soul so valiant that she didn't need to prove herself. She just needed to come receive a body that she will use in that great day that we are all reunited with our larger scope eternal family- that of our our Heavenly Father.



Sometimes the mortal side of me wins out and I do feel picked on, I won't lie. Why do other babies gaze into their mothers eyes when they are born and mine lay limply in my arms with her face covered up? I don't cry anymore, because of the healing hands of our Savior. But I would be lying if I said those thoughts don't creep into my head every once in a while, and who is going to benefit if I lie?



But, this much I can say. That our lives have so much more meaning than just the happy and sad experiences that we have on this earth. We are working toward something so much bigger. We are working toward perfecting ourselves, thanks to the miricle of the Saviors atonement for us, so that we can one day have all that He has. Isn't that an amazing thought? Things that seem so sad to us now are so trivial when compared to all that we have been promised. Lose a loved one? You'll be together someday. Lose a job? Once you pass through this life, you'll be given so much more than any paycheck could give you. Thunder thighs? Our bodies will be perfected one day.



So in the long run, no, I don't feel picked on that my daughter didn't get to stay.

I feel honored to be part of her journey.

p.s...Please pray for this family: babymckallister.blogspot.com they are just beginning their journey and can use all the prayers they can get.