Thursday, July 24, 2008

God Blessed the Broken Road

How strange it is to see in hindsight how different lifes path turns out than you ever imagined it would.

Exactly a year ago today we found out that we were pregnant with our little angel baby, Savannah . Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions I felt that day. Ecstatic to have another little one join or family. Terrified at how I was going to juggle three children under 3. Extremely fertile.



Savannah's story is really long so I won't share it in it's entirety. But I would like to share the background to her joining our family so that those of you that don't know us can understand a little more about why she means so much to our family and why we know that she's not just an "accident of nature" or the "miscarriage mom had years ago", but an actual member of our eternal family.



Last June my husband came to me and said, "I feel really strongly that we need to have another baby now." I laughed. Not just a little giggle, but a rip roarin' belly laugh. What's so funny you ask? Ummm... my baby was only 5 months old. My oldest was barely two. I am not wonder woman. Catch my drift?



He said, "No, I know I've teased you about it before, but I'm serious this time. I feel really strongly about it. Will you at least pray about it?"



"No."

I didnt' want to pray about it because I could already feel in my heart what the answer was going to be. But, of course, I've learned the hard way in the past what happens when you say no to the Lord so we decided to just "see what happens" thinking that it would take at least a couple of months.



On July 25 of last year we had a family reunion at Lagoon (a local theme park). I wasn't late yet, but I decided to take a test "just in case" so that I could ride all the crazy make you vomit roller coaster rides without feeling guilty. Much to our suprise it came back positive. So what would anyone do in that situation...? We took another test. It couldn't possibly be right. You see I still had not had a full on period (sorry for being so graphic!) since Sami because I had just barely stopped nursing her. But sure enough, we got the same results. This baby was obviously meant to come when she did.



I didn't ride any rides that day.



We had lot of people remind us of how crazy we were and how hard it was going to be. TRUST ME, I knew how much I DIDN'T know what I was getting myself into. There were many sleepless night worrying and wondering how I was possibly going to handle three little babies. Wondering why the Lord would ask this of ME of all people. But I knew that he HAD asked this of us and that he would provide a way for things to work out. And He did.



Savannah was born still at 35 weeks on February 9, 2008. She was perfect, except for the fact that her heart was not beating. They have never been able to determine a reason for her death. Until the moment I held that little girl in my arms I never realized how deep and amazing the gift of motherhood is. You are not just given a cute little body. Each child that is given to us comes with the added gift of pure, Christ-like LOVE. You don't have to spend time with them, or get to know them to love them beyond comprehension. That's why we love them so much. It's a love beyond what the mortal body is capable of. It is immortal. It is a gift from Him. And we feel it for every child whether they grasp our finger or not.



Have I ever worried that she went straight back to Heaven because the Lord doubted my ability to handle raising three very young children at the same time? You bet. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying to the Lord to forgive me for complaining to Him, or doubting His ability to provide a way to make all things possible.



HOWEVER, this experience has revealed to me a tiny glimpse of the true nature of our Savior. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are capable of and what we will be capable of. He knows what we need in order to progress to in the end become more like him. He can also see what the end results of any situation is going to be before we do.



My daughter was never meant to stay. None of these little ones that get to go straight back to the loving arms of our Savior are. They aren't taken away to punish us. The Lord has a plan. If His plan was for my baby to stay with me she would have and He would have provided a way for us to juggle the chaos of the next few years because we were willing to do what He asked... even if we didn't immediately understand how it would work.



No, He had an even better plan in mind for our little family. For some unknown reason, we found favor enough with Him to blessed to add to our eternal family a soul so valiant that she didn't need to prove herself. She just needed to come receive a body that she will use in that great day that we are all reunited with our larger scope eternal family- that of our our Heavenly Father.



Sometimes the mortal side of me wins out and I do feel picked on, I won't lie. Why do other babies gaze into their mothers eyes when they are born and mine lay limply in my arms with her face covered up? I don't cry anymore, because of the healing hands of our Savior. But I would be lying if I said those thoughts don't creep into my head every once in a while, and who is going to benefit if I lie?



But, this much I can say. That our lives have so much more meaning than just the happy and sad experiences that we have on this earth. We are working toward something so much bigger. We are working toward perfecting ourselves, thanks to the miricle of the Saviors atonement for us, so that we can one day have all that He has. Isn't that an amazing thought? Things that seem so sad to us now are so trivial when compared to all that we have been promised. Lose a loved one? You'll be together someday. Lose a job? Once you pass through this life, you'll be given so much more than any paycheck could give you. Thunder thighs? Our bodies will be perfected one day.



So in the long run, no, I don't feel picked on that my daughter didn't get to stay.


I feel honored to be part of her journey.


p.s...Please pray for this family: babymckallister.blogspot.com they are just beginning their journey and can use all the prayers they can get.

9 comments:

Arian said...

Wow, Sarah, that was a beautiful post. You are such an amazing woman and you have come so far. You are wise beyond your years.
I read thru Mac's blog. I admit to having tears rolling down my cheeks the entire time. Such amazing stories. It is hard not to wonder why such things have to happen but it is good to see that the Lord has chosen such strong parents who He knows can handle the trial. Wow.

Young Family said...

You are so much stronger than me. I still cry frequently. I pray every day that Heavenly Father will let my new baby come home with me. I miss Scott so much.

You are right about the love we have for these litlle ones. We love them instantly. I am so grateful to get to hold my babies in the womb before I ever hold them in my arms.

I still can't get over why Heavenly Father needs so many of our precious babies right now. It is true that he saved these valient babies for now. There seem to be so many right now. I pray for all the moms that belong to this "club." Oh how I wish I was not a part of it.

Thank you so much for the strength you provide me and many others.

Young Family said...

I haven't read the McKallisters blog but I just clicked on the links and the tears are streaming. I'm going to have to wait a bit to read it. When I see others have pictures of their sweet baby and I don't I have a really hard time.

Mrs. Dub said...

my confession about this post is that you are wonderful. what a lucky mom you were to have her - and what a lucky baby she was to have you.

i hope our babies are having a fun time together without us, but boy are they going to get spoiled when we rejoin them!

The Stones said...

Hi Sarah! I found your blog through Des's-sorry to play stalker, but your post was so beautiful. You are such an incredible family, and I've always been so impressed with you and your spirit. I hope we see you next week at the Josh and Tif's! XO
Brooke

laurdacooj said...

Hi Sarah, my name is Laurel, and I am a friend of Emily Ortiz and she sent me your link. I am so sorry for the your loss of your sweet, beautiful Savannah. We lost our first baby girl, our angel Hannah at 38 weeks. She would be 5 now, and I still miss her so much. I am so grateful for the blessing of her sweet spirit in our family and for the tenderness and strength she has taught us. Thank you for sharing your sweet thoughts, and I am so sorry for you pain, yet, admire your strength, even when we feel like we don't have any left.
I looked at McKalister's blog as well, and my heart is filled with so much love and pain for what they are going thru and you as well.
I have often wondered how people can handle loosing their baby with out the gospel and the strength I have from knowing that we can be with our little girl again someday. If you ever need someone to talk to, I love to talk, it is my way of always remembering my sweetie, and yours:)-
Love, Laurel

Anonymous said...

You are amazing! That's all I have to say.

Jessica said...

Sarah,
Josh Hinkley, Baby Mac's dad, plays college baseball for my husband. I check their blog daily to read new comments and was drawn to your comment, which led me to your blog. This post was beautiful and your family is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts with Josh and Cali... and then to turn around and compose this post to share with the world your/our beliefs. Baby Mac has been more of a missionary than we will ever know. Thank you, thank you, thank you... my prayers will also be with your little family. I am sure it may have gotten easier but yet still pulls at the heart daily.

carrie said...

Sarah,
My good friend, Jessica, told me I had to look at your blog....after the amazing comment you left on Baby Mac's blog. My heart just went out to you. I think it's amazing how our hearts have all been drawn to Baby Mac and his family. Their story has had such an impact on me....and my family. I don't know them personally, but feel as if I do....with the amount of love and admiration I feel for them. What you wrote to them was perfect...and so brave. I have had miscarriages in my life....and I have always had such a hard time expressing myself when it comes to dealing with the emotions I've felt over the years. The strong and spirtual way you've expressed yourself really touched me. That same thing is what has drawn me to the Hinckleys. I wish I could say that I would be as strong.... I can, however, say that I've learned some very valuable things from all of you. You should read Erin's (Josh Hinckley's sister..and Baby Mac's aunt) blog. She is such an amazing person, too, and has such a wonderful way of looking at things. I think you would find the things she has to say really insightful....and very valuable. I know I don't know you....and I hope I'm not intruding too much by commenting on your blog, but you seem like an amazing Mother. I'm so sorry, mother to mother, that you ever had to deal with such a loss...... The way you wrote about your angel baby was beautiful and eloquent....and showed your capacity to love and understand the true power of the Atonement. Thank you for sharing it with all of us....even the ones who don't know you. Much love and prayers sent your way.....