I have contemplated my pregnancy with my angel babe. I have a lot of regrets. I was overwhelmed. Hunter was barely 2 and Sami was 5 months old when the Lord whispered in our ear that it was time to add another to our little nest. I let the overwhelm take over the only time I would have with her on earth. I tried to argue with God to give us another year or so, but He prodded us to trust him. He had a plan in mind. So, full of lots of doubts, I acquiesced. There were moments of excitement, but mostly I found myself focused on the anxiety of our pending "situation". 3 kids under 3 and a husband that travelled most weeks. Everyone else was anxious for me as well, which added to the anxiety.
"Seriously, God? Are you sure about this? It really doesn't make sense. We make adorable kids. I'll add as many as you'll give us, but couldn't we have a breather in between? Couldn't we have at least ONE of them potty trained first? And do you really have this much confidence in my abilities, because... well... have you MET me?" But the answer was always, "Yes. It will be okay. I will help you. I have only the best things in mind for you."
I remember just days before Savannah was born. Sami wasn't feeling well and I was up I the middle of the night with her. I was trying to rock her in the rocking chair, but there wasn't much room left on my lap. She was barely one, and still needed so much from me. I looked over at the crib and imagined another tiny one needing me at the same time in the next few weeks and I silently cried. "Heavenly Father, I'm really not sure I can do this. Please help me." " I will" was the simple answer I received.
Days later we would discover what Gods plan for our Savannah was. She was never going to stay. We were never going to juggle 3 kids under 3. We would get to have her later, but now was not the time. And I was devastated.
"Heavenly Father, are you sure about this?! That is not what I meant when I asked you to help me. I was stressed, but I always wanted her. It would be crazy town for a while, but we can do it. We WANT to do it. Please don't take her." Again the same answer, "It will be okay. I will help you. I have only the best things in mind for you."
And He was right. Time and time again in my life I have come upon situations that have not turned out the way I wanted them to. Times that I think I know what is best and that I question the path the Lord suggests for me. I have had so many times that I could not possibly see how something would work out "for my best" or how a heart break or stress or frustration would lead to my "best happiness". But hind sight is always 20/20 and time and time again I have had it proven to me that every one of those "unfair" situations has led to something even better than I could have planned for myself.
You would think by now that I would have learned to trust Him. But I guess it's human nature to think that we know better. Because our brains work with limited human logic. Gods works with eternal perspective. It's hard to trust in that sometimes when we can't see it. But not understanding something doesn't inherently make it untrue. Just ask Christopher Columbus.
It has been 10 years since I held this perfect baby girl. And there still has not been one single day that I have not thought about her. It is not *usually* with tears anymore. With His help, I have come to realize who she is. A valiant daughter of God that was not meant to stay, that had a job to do on the other side. A daughter that I want so much that I will take her however I can get her. Even though that means that in order to come to me, I had to accept that my time with her would be delayed. It's better than her going to someone else that could accept what her path is. She has taught me so much about trusting in the Lord, even though I'm still not perfect at it. And I have learned that He *eventually* DOES turn heartbreak into our best happiness. Even if it doesn't feel like it in the thick of it. Even if it's not on our time frame. He has great things in mind for every. single. one of us.
Trust me.
Happy 10th birthday Savannah. Your mommy loves you and has not forgotten you. <3 p="">
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