Embrace

I had a very emotional weekend. Emotional in a good way that is... I think... time will tell I guess.

I have been thinking a lot about the video I posted about on my last post. If you haven't watched it yet, please do. There is a picture included in that video of Christ and John the Baptist in the River Jordan. John the Baptist has just baptized the Savior and they are embracing. The thing that moves me to tears every time is the look on both of their faces. Huge grins. Although it is only a painting, you can feel how tightly they are holding onto each other. You can feel the electricity of their joy. And you know without words why they are happy. They are beginning the Fathers work. There just aren't words that can describe such a moment. That is why I love that painting so much. All of the emotions I feel about our Fathers plan and the Saviors atonement all wrapped up in an embrace of two "brothers".

I am not sure if there is doctrine to support that such an embrace took place, but I imagine it did. And the truly inspirational part of such an embrace of love and joy is that The Savior knew that this was the first step toward what would be a difficult journey. He knew how this path would end here on this earth. But He also knew how this path would end in the Eternal scheme of things. He knew that though it would lead to His eventual torure and death... it would ultimately lead to life eternal, not just for Him but for His brothers and sisters. He knew that He was beginning the process of erasing hopelessness and doom from the life of mankind. He knew that He was starting down a path that would show each of us the way Home. He loved His eternal family enough that He rejoiced when He come out of the waters of baptism and started us all on our way back to Him. I feel like we were all there, rejoicing right along with Him. Embracing each other and grinning.

How I love our Savior. I know because I am only a mortal, my ability to love is extremely limited and pales in comparison to what He must feel for us. I get a little taste of it when I look at my children. They give me a tiny taste of what it is like to love another more than myself. Even when they are naughty. Even when they "don't like me" for a moment. Even when they go back to Heaven before I get a chance to say hello. Every day I feel like the veil is pulled back a tiny bit more and I am able to grasp a little more of the eternal expanse that is our Saviors love for us. Then life gets crazy, my kids get LOUD, I get loud and I fall back a step again and have to reclaim that last few inches of my peak into His love.

I do want anyone that happens to come across this to know that I know that our Redeemer lives. I know it. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. And I know it because I have asked God, and He has told me. He has told me that all of it is true. That the Bible is His instructions to us, as is The Book of Mormon. We have prophets that lead us today. I have many friends of many different faiths and I love you all. I believe that there is truth in every religion. But I know that I have found the fullness of the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. It's all there. You don't have to sift through anything and find what you like and determine if the truth outweighs the theory. I cannot say that I understand it all. There would be no point to me being here if I knew everything. But, I feel it in my heart that this is where I will find everything the Lord wants me to know and this church is my pathway to returning to Him. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to "subscribe" to it. It's definitely a personal answer for each of us to receive. But I can tell you that if you ask Him... He will tell you too.

So knowing all this, can we too smile and embrace in joy while facing some of our worst fears? It's not always easy, but I believe it is possible when we look to our Saviors example and focus on the Eternal scheme of things, instead of the short term pain, fear and sorrow.

What do you think?

Stop and Smell the Cupcakes

I think it's time for me to take a bit of a more serious note for just a moment...

...[clear my throat]... mi mi mi... I'm a bit out of tune for the moment... if by "that moment" we mean my life.

Anyway, have any of you taken a moment to take a look at the crazy world around us and how much pure evil is going on out there? If not you are amazing, don't do it as by doing so you will marr your perfection.

Seriously.

We are living in a world that is just plain full of evil. As I sit in this plush chocolate brown leather chair, typing away on my sweet laptop that my amazing (and HOT I might add) husband so graciously gave me and my children sleep peacfully in their snuggly warm beds with full belly's the rest of the world is falling apart. Villages full of FAMILIES are being blown apart by bombs. Entire nations are starving to death. Brittney spears is bearing offspring. The fact that this moment of my life is happy, blissful even and comfortable I realize is a blessing. The best moments of MY life or yours could be the worst moment of another persons life. The moment I found out my precious little girl had gone back home to Heaven and my world came crashing down around me, another little sweetheart snuggled against her mother as the dr. laid her gently onto her mothers stomache for their first mother daughter embrace... fresh from the arms of the Lord. How can we really be expected to enjoy this life when it seems that every good thing is off set by something bad. When it seems that bad is just around the corner. It seems like when I finally conquer that dreaded vomit inducing spin class and prance triumphantly out the doors of the gym with head and arms held high, a bus is going to come careening out of no where and cream me. Does life ever seem that way to you?

I hope I didn't lose you there in my haze of "depressingness". Because we're about to make a 180. Since I lost my little girl and got into blogging, I have seen so much loss and heart ache. I have met so many wonderful, amazing people that have experienced loss from every imaginable end of the spectrum. I absolutely HATE it everytime I hear of another person that has had to bear that burden. I wish I could take the pain from them.

However, through all this pain and sadness I have seen a miricle occur. I have seen complete strangers come together and show REAL Christlike love for each other. I have seen children of God, that seem to have absolutely nothing in common and no reason to care that the other existed let alone have a reason to reach out in friendship do just that. I have seen people reach out to those in need. Lend them prayers and words of comfort and love. I've heard of people in tears, reading of a complete strangers story, genuinly hurting that someone else they've never met is hurting. I have seen LOVE. Pure unadulterated love that can come from only one source: Our Savior. And there is nothing that can offset that. Satan may try to go tit for tat with the Lord hitting us with a crisis after each blessing we receive. He can take over the media and bombard our senses with images of misery and hatred. But he can't understand or take away that light of love that burns within our hearts when we truly reach out in concern for our fellow brothers and sisters.

I believe that there is good in the world. There is love in the world. In the words of Anne Frank, "Despite everthing I believe that people are really good at heart." Good will overcome.

There are a lot of "poopoo heads" out there, in the words of my 3 year old son. And quite frankly sometimes I'd like to kick them in the shin too, because THEY STARTED IT. But when it gets down to it, even though it sometimes doesn't seem like it in the heat of the moment, this life and the challenges therein is just a speck in the spectrum of the eternity that is ours ahead of us. I really do believe that. And that is another thing that Satan can't take from me. You don't have to believe it. I will still be your friend. But it doesn't change it from being a fact and it doesn't change the fact that life is not just better when you belive that but it is actually AMAZING despite everything going on around the world and in our own lives.

That being said, every once in a while you come across someone that is truly exceptional. Someone that can stop and smell the cupcakes (or nachos in some cases, whatever your preference may be) no matter what kind of turmoil their lives may be in. Someone that seems to still find the humor in life no matter how many punches they seem to take in the ring of life.

My friend Mrs. Dub in one such person. I've never actually met her in person, but she has helped to uplift me and help me see the bright side in life during a particuarly dark period of my life. You see, she too has an angel baby. Her angel actually went back to heaven 5 days before mine. I really feel like the Lord led me to her blog as she was documenting her thoughts and feelings about this bittersweet experience, and it helped me to take on the positive (usually) outlook that I have on the mission my sweet little angel was called on.


It seems like her family has been hit with one thing after another, and they have are about to take another punch today. Her dad has been diagnosed with cancer and is having his esophogas removed today. I don't know them personally, but from what I know of their daughter, their family will take the punch and get right back up and continue the fight. BUT I know no matter how strong you or anyone else thinks you are you can always use the Lords help and you can always use as many prayers as you can get to solicit such help from our Father in Heaven.

So many of my friends responded to my prayer request for Baby Macs family, I thought I would solicit a few more prayers in the behalf of another person none of us know, but who makes the world a little brighter place for those that do come across her.

Thank you!

Wimp Torture Device

Oooooohhhh... my legs were going to fall off. My head was going to EXPLODE. I was pretty sure I was going to asperate the throwup that I was pretty sure was just waiting for the perfect moment to come spewing out in olympic projectile style spraying all over the perfect perky little face of my spin instructor. Can you go blind from a steady stream of sweat flooding your eyes? I swear I'm seeing halos.

UUUUUGGGGGHHHH... SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THIS FOR FUN?!

really?!

Okay, I have to make a confession. It wasn't even a real spin class. Real spin classes stretch out the bloody, sweaty torture for an hour or more. This was just a 15 minute spin rotation in the boot camp class I attended.

Another confession: my instructor wasn't perky. But it was easier to hate her and wish vomit on her thinking of her in that way. At least she kept quiet and avoided such nausea inducing phrases as "Yaaaay you can do it!", or "Smile through the pain girlies!" or my favorite: "Remember we're working off Mister Ghetto Booty!" Don't name my butt. Ever.

The bikes have a speedometer of sorts on them that tell you how fast you are going. She told us not to go under 85 rpm (? I think that is the measuring unit of choice?) Seriously I was going as fast as my little legs could take me and I could not get that stupid thing over 80.

It must have been broken.

Of course I, thinking I had something to prove (though I'm not sure WHO to), took a bike in the very front so that I wouldn't be tempted to wimp out. Seems like a good plan... expect when the opposite happens and every just sees you wimp out, and possibly go blind. I had to get up 3 times to go get a drink, because sticking out my touch and gulping down the torrents of sweat just wasnt' keeping me hydrated. It's likeunto drinking sea water I guess. I'm pretty sure there were more germs living in my sweat than you would find in a glass of sea water though. Maybe that was lending to the blindness. Poison can make you go blind right?

Anyway, back to the torture. I wouldn't let myself stop. I couldn't. If my instructor had been a bouncy little cheerleader I probably could've walked out and not felt so bad. If I would have run into her later she would have given me a big hug and told me that she thought I did a great job, next time I'd do even better and that my sweaty crusty workout pants were sooooo cute. But, the instructor was a drill sargent. She didn't say much but she didn't have to. I was sitting right in front of her and all she had to do was let her eyes drill holes through my head (wait...THAT is the blindness explanation I knew I smelled burnt flesh when I walked out of there). I couldn't stop. I had to prove I was just as tough as her. She wasn't going to intimidate me. No sir!

"Okay, now I want you to take it up to 90. Don't go under 90. Push yourselves." Ummm... my bike doesn't go up that high. Really, I tried. I pumped my short little legs just as fast as I could possibly get them. You know those veins on the side of your head that sit right about at your temples? You don't want know what it looks like when they burst. But I'm pretty sure that's why my face was purple. Then she hits us with, "Up to 100 for the last 2 minutes. You can do this, push through the burn." YES SIR DRILL SARGENT SIR. There was just no question. We would do it, whether it killed us or not, we would keep going. Anyway, you can do anything for 2 minutes right? When you wake up 2 minutes before your alarm goes off you blink and times up.

Not. In. Spin class.

I tried to find my happy place. Mmmmmm icecream. Great gooey gobs of cookie dough, or chocolate icecream calling my name, dripping from my lips onto a new crisp white shirt..... then the haze wears off and you realize you're not in icecream heaven, but in spin class you know where. But good news, when you space off time flies by so we must be almost done. Good thing too because I was just about to my limit. I was fighting a war with my legs. They wouldn't go any farther. I told them they must. But you hear the amazing olympic stories: when you are at the home stretch, right when you think you can't go any farther, you dig deep and you find just enough strength to pull you past that finish line. And that's what I did. I didn't think it was there, but I reached in deep and found my last reserve... I was going to do this! And then I was going to puke.... BUT I would puke victoriously!

I can't believe it, I can't believe I survived, I pushed myself past my limit!

I CAN DO ANYTHING!

"Only a minute thirty seconds left girls!"

WHAT THE?! It's only been 30 seconds?!

I quit.

ps... I didn't really quit... but I think I may have spewed projectile vomit on her stone-like face.

pps... I saw the instructor in the halls at the gym this morning. She smiled and told me my work out pants were cute. She seems like a cool girl. Maybe I'll give the class one more try.

ppps... the above picture is not me. It is actually Keanu Reeves. I thought it was appropriate because he looks just as silly on this "hog" as I did on the spin bike. How come no one is paying photogs thousands of dollars to snap ridiculous pictures of me?!

Life Perspective...

Warning: This is DEEP

My hubby is out of town a lot lately and all these solitary nights have left me a lot of time for some deep introspection. Time to really ponder the true meaning and purpose behind my life. To really reflect on what it is that drives me forward. I came to a startling conclusion last night. I have come to the realization that life truly does take place in chapters. While we are travelling through a particular stage in life it feels like that stage will never end and it is hard to envision what life was like before we started that particular adventure. In retrospect there are some times of my life that seem like a completely different book. It feels so far removed from my present day situation that it hardly seems like it is me playing a starring role in that story... times like the care free days of high school, or my blissful days of lounging by the pool at the good old 'Riv' in Happy Valley, or yesterdays breakfast... seems like so long ago...

But I have come to a startling conclusion. One that was so simple so right in my face that I can't believe it has taken me all these years to see it. While life is made up of different stages each of these stages can be put into one of two categories: The stages where we are obsessed with poo and the stages that we are not.

Here me out on this one.

We start out life in a "not caring" stage. We go at will. Whether sitting in the bathtub, in church or 5 minutes after we FINALLY fell asleep after hours of rocking, swaying and begging from our mothers. We could care less (that one was for you Meili) about what kind of mess we made down there, but we sure broke a few eardrums alerting our parents to the treasure we had waiting for them.

Then we hit the toddler age and we realize poop is the coolest thing on the planet. Seriously. Nothing is more awesome to my 3 year old than feces. He needs his privacy when he poops, but you better come look at it when he's done. "Wow! That was a big one!" he shouts triumphantly. Think it's just a boy thing? Oh no, little Miss Thang is right there fighting for a spot to wave bye bye as we flush the #2 down the toilet. You don't even have to be in the presence of the foul stuff. There is nothing more hysterical to Mister Mischief that the word poop. It doesn't have to be in the context of anything. It doesn't have to come up in a conversation. We could be sitting in total silence and all of the sudden he shouts, "Poo Poo" and proceeds to have a spaz attack.

I think that the "Poop is cool stage" never really ends for most males. I need only one word to prove this theory: Blue Darts.

But for the rest of us we pass through that stage and the foul stuff is appropriately "icky" again.

Then we become parents. All that we have been taught goes out the window. "We don't talk bathroom talk", we don't "watch other people go to the bathroom", we don't "sing and dance when aforementioned person drops the Cosby Kids off at the pool" (sorry, I hope I didn't offend anyone with that one...). No, we forget all the good ettiquette our parents ever taught us when we become parents. Ever been to a mommy/kiddie playgroup? If you don't have kids, you are a dad, or you have held fast to the values your parents have instilled in you you may want to avoid that one. Yes, we mommy's take pride in talking about our childrens bathroom habits or dis-habits (this is my blog- I WILL make up words at will). Know what totally made my day yesterday? When I caught my 18 month old grunting and ran her to the bathroom in time for her to make her own little contribution to the Potty Fairies (wouldn't it be great if teeth weren't the only thing we got quarters for?!) It is a sad reality. But with two young kids, one almost done with potty training (except for at night) and one about (hopefully) to embark on it I definitely fall under this category.

I look forward to the day when I can once again be revolted by the thought of having to wipe another persons butt.

Miricles

Did anyone hear about this story?

I don't listen to talk radio very often... actually I dont listen to much radio at all these days since we invested in our killer mini van that has a tv and dvd player in it (yup...I sure do sport a mini van... I get more and more stereotypical every time I write don't I?) . Since then I spend my trips to my exciting destinations such as Walmart either talking to myself or singing along to the Leap Frog Letter Factory (highly reccommend it btw! the movie not talking to yourself...) BUT my husband listens to it [talk radio] every once in a while. Monday morning I was driving him to the airport and we were listening to KSL talk radio. They posed an interesting question that really got me thinking:

"Do you believe in miricles?"

Hmmm... well yes, I've always been taught to believe in miricles. I've gone to church all my life. I've been taught about all the amazing miricles our Savior performed when he walked the earth. I've been taught about the miricles prophets throught the Old Testament and the apostles performed. I've been taught that the Savior lives on today. That His gospel has been restored to this earth. That a prophet of God has once again been called to lead His church. I've also been taught that because of that miricles continue today.

I've been taught all those things. But do I BELIEVE them?

Some would ask how I could possibly believe in them. I didn't get my miricle I asked for almost 6 months ago.

As Brett and I drove to the hospital on February 8 to be induced to deliver the earthly remains of our daughter we talked about how suprisingly at peace we felt about everything that was happening. Just an hour before I had seen the ultrasound devoid of a heart beat. The dr. had showed me the umbilical chord that had no movement of blood going through it. I could feel my body starting to cramp up, rejecting what it knew was not right.

I knew I could not feel my daughter moving.

And yet, as we drove to the hospital, as I waited for 7 hours for her to arrive, even as I could feel her coming... I prayed. I knew what reality was and really I felt at peace with it, but I still had this little ray of hope that somehow, some way I would get a miricle. That Savannah would pop out and scare the poop out of us with a rip roaring cry. "Psych! Here I am." It doesn't make sense, I know that, I KNEW that. But I still prayed that somehow the dr. was wrong and that everything was okay. And that I'd get to take her home with me, and we'd laugh about the silly drs mistake as we told stories about her at her wedding dinner. If Jesus Christ could raise Lazarus from the dead, surely he could give me one little miricle right?

But we didn't get our miricle.

Or did we?

When the Lord says that he wants us to become as a child (Mosiah 3:19) I guess he didn't mean be whiny when we don't get our way.

I've witnessed plenty of miricles in my day. I've seen my dad happen to get checked out on a whim just in time to find 6 blocked arteries and survive a 6 bipass heart surgery. I've seen my father in law feel the need to get checked out by the dr. just in time to save his life from a very serious pulmonary embolism. When Miss Thang was born the nurse told Brett that he couldn't tell him how many still births he'd seen resulting from the kind of tight knot that she had in her chord.

Based on science alone each of the above mentioned people should be dead, and Savannah should be alive. Why do you think that is? My opinion: miricles DO still exist. But they are according to the will and plan on our Father in Heaven that bases those plans around our reaching our ultimate goal of happiness. I believe that we all are individually known to the Lord... although no matter how hard I try I cannot even begin to comprehend it. I also believe that we each have our own roles in the eternal scheme that He has cooked up. The Lord wants to give us what will make us happy, he wants to give us our miricles. But because He wants us to have the ultimate happiness possible He gives us our miricles when they will lead us in that direction.

But I think that that, in and of itself is the biggest miricle of all.

There are a lot of unhappy people in this world resulting from not understanding that.

But what do you think? Do you believe in miricles? Or are there only chances of fate as we plug along on the 3rd rock from the sun?

God Blessed the Broken Road

How strange it is to see in hindsight how different lifes path turns out than you ever imagined it would.

Exactly a year ago today we found out that we were pregnant with our little angel baby, Savannah . Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions I felt that day. Ecstatic to have another little one join or family. Terrified at how I was going to juggle three children under 3. Extremely fertile.



Savannah's story is really long so I won't share it in it's entirety. But I would like to share the background to her joining our family so that those of you that don't know us can understand a little more about why she means so much to our family and why we know that she's not just an "accident of nature" or the "miscarriage mom had years ago", but an actual member of our eternal family.



Last June my husband came to me and said, "I feel really strongly that we need to have another baby now." I laughed. Not just a little giggle, but a rip roarin' belly laugh. What's so funny you ask? Ummm... my baby was only 5 months old. My oldest was barely two. I am not wonder woman. Catch my drift?



He said, "No, I know I've teased you about it before, but I'm serious this time. I feel really strongly about it. Will you at least pray about it?"



"No."

I didnt' want to pray about it because I could already feel in my heart what the answer was going to be. But, of course, I've learned the hard way in the past what happens when you say no to the Lord so we decided to just "see what happens" thinking that it would take at least a couple of months.

On July 25 of last year we had a family reunion at Lagoon (a local theme park). I wasn't late yet, but I decided to take a test "just in case" so that I could ride all the crazy make you vomit roller coaster rides without feeling guilty. Much to our suprise it came back positive. So what would anyone do in that situation...? We took another test. It couldn't possibly be right. You see I still had not had a full on period (sorry for being so graphic!) since Sami because I had just barely stopped nursing her. But sure enough, we got the same results. This baby was obviously meant to come when she did.



I didn't ride any rides that day.



We had lot of people remind us of how crazy we were and how hard it was going to be. TRUST ME, I knew how much I DIDN'T know what I was getting myself into. There were many sleepless night worrying and wondering how I was possibly going to handle three little babies. Wondering why the Lord would ask this of ME of all people. But I knew that he HAD asked this of us and that he would provide a way for things to work out. And He did.



Savannah was born still at 35 weeks on February 9, 2008. She was perfect, except for the fact that her heart was not beating. They have never been able to determine a reason for her death. Until the moment I held that little girl in my arms I never realized how deep and amazing the gift of motherhood is. You are not just given a cute little body. Each child that is given to us comes with the added gift of pure, Christ-like LOVE. You don't have to spend time with them, or get to know them to love them beyond comprehension. That's why we love them so much. It's a love beyond what the mortal body is capable of. It is immortal. It is a gift from Him. And we feel it for every child whether they grasp our finger or not.



Have I ever worried that she went straight back to Heaven because the Lord doubted my ability to handle raising three very young children at the same time? You bet. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying to the Lord to forgive me for complaining to Him, or doubting His ability to provide a way to make all things possible.



HOWEVER, this experience has revealed to me a tiny glimpse of the true nature of our Savior. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are capable of and what we will be capable of. He knows what we need in order to progress to in the end become more like him. He can also see what the end results of any situation is going to be before we do.



My daughter was never meant to stay. None of these little ones that get to go straight back to the loving arms of our Savior are. They aren't taken away to punish us. The Lord has a plan. If His plan was for my baby to stay with me she would have and He would have provided a way for us to juggle the chaos of the next few years because we were willing to do what He asked... even if we didn't immediately understand how it would work.



No, He had an even better plan in mind for our little family. For some unknown reason, we found favor enough with Him to blessed to add to our eternal family a soul so valiant that she didn't need to prove herself. She just needed to come receive a body that she will use in that great day that we are all reunited with our larger scope eternal family- that of our our Heavenly Father.



Sometimes the mortal side of me wins out and I do feel picked on, I won't lie. Why do other babies gaze into their mothers eyes when they are born and mine lay limply in my arms with her face covered up? I don't cry anymore, because of the healing hands of our Savior. But I would be lying if I said those thoughts don't creep into my head every once in a while, and who is going to benefit if I lie?



But, this much I can say. That our lives have so much more meaning than just the happy and sad experiences that we have on this earth. We are working toward something so much bigger. We are working toward perfecting ourselves, thanks to the miricle of the Saviors atonement for us, so that we can one day have all that He has. Isn't that an amazing thought? Things that seem so sad to us now are so trivial when compared to all that we have been promised. Lose a loved one? You'll be together someday. Lose a job? Once you pass through this life, you'll be given so much more than any paycheck could give you. Thunder thighs? Our bodies will be perfected one day.



So in the long run, no, I don't feel picked on that my daughter didn't get to stay.

I feel honored to be part of her journey.

p.s...Please pray for this family: babymckallister.blogspot.com they are just beginning their journey and can use all the prayers they can get.